Milestones of the heart

I recently started seeing a spiritual counselor -- at least I think that's the term. To me, there seems to be a lot of gray area about when one is a regular counselor, a pastoral counselor, a spiritual director and a spiritual counselor. I was looking for a spiritual director (I think), one who is licensed specifically for spiritual direction, but I wan't having a lot of luck looking and didn't want to go to someone who didn't come recommended. The person who was recommended to me by a trusted instructor is a counselor who is trained in pastoral counseling and spiritual direction, hence I think she's actually a spiritual counselor.

I'm not going because my life is falling apart. Life is pretty darned good, really. That's part of the reason I wanted to go. I'd like to be one of those pastors who is actually well. It's a lot rarer than you'd think. That's not to say things are perfect. Those who know me well know it's been one doozie of a year, and there are "issues" that I could benefit from having an objective third party help me think through. We can all use a hand.

After going through the requisite "history" intake -- tell me about your childhood, etc. -- we're moving on to the interesting stuff: setting goals and looking at milestones. The goals will be a topic for another day. The ones I've identified right now are figuring out the role of prayer in my life and getting over my discomfort with small talk. Seriously. Either we've got something to talk about or we don't. That's not going to get me far in the ministry. I have to learn to deal.

But, the milestones part is interesting to me. When you think about it, there are hundreds of thousands of events in all of our lives that could be considered defining moments. What we choose to name a milestone says a lot about who we are. Mine include getting confirmed and joining a church at 17, getting married, adopting our first dog (Gynnady), moving to New York, 1994 (so much happened that year that I just lump it all together), learning not to be an "ingrate" (aka, exploring my relationship with the creator), 2000 (another rapid-fire year of change), and the deaths of a number of loved ones in the 2000s.

I've been thinking about what these milestones have in common and decided it could be boiled down to the word "movement." Either they were physical moves or they were movements toward learning to love in new ways -- loving a spouse, family, critters (and learning how to be a steward of a little piece of creation), those who have made the ultimate move, or loving the creative force that I'm learning to define as God. I like having had this assignment. I don't think about myself in terms of how my life and love intersect, but really, is there a better way?

I often find myself stopping short and wondering what the heck I'm doing in seminary, anyway. I'm an impatient, close to middle-aged woman with a tenuous relationship with God (on a good day) who has trouble carrying on a graceful conversation with strangers (or those with whom I'm familiar). So what is it that's drawing me to a life where I'm going to spend a lot more time with strangers carrying on conversations that require a certain amount of grace, and often about God? Judging by the milestones I've been able to recognize after a little time and space, I suspect the answer lies somewhere in the intersection of life and love.