Rather be damned than right

I'm reading To Know as We are Known: Education as a Spiritual Journey by Parker Palmer. I have a really difficult time reading anything, even books like this which have been labeled an "easy read." I'm not sure why, but I'm a very slow reader and find I have a hard time grasping the words on the page. (Weird confession for someone with a master's in English, but there you have it.) One of the things I've found over the years that helps me retain what I've read is to try immediately to apply what I've read to my life and see if it sticks. If I'm understanding Palmer correctly, he would agree with this approach.

Palmer sees true learning as a two way street: the one that is learning and the one that teaches (be it a human or an object) are both affected by reflected by the other the encounter. Taking great liberties, it seems Palmer is saying, "to learn it, live it." He seems to put learning and prayer in the same plane -- or perhaps as the same thing. "As I move toward the heart of reality," Palmer reflects, "reality is moving toward my heart. As I recollect the unity of life, life is recollecting me in my original wholeness. In prayer, I not only address the love at the core of all things; I listen as that love addresses me, calling me out of isolation and self-centeredness into community and compassion. In prayer, I begin to realize that I not only know but am known." (Page 11 for those keeping track at home.)

For many of you, it comes as no surprise that I have issues with prayer. I've mentioned it in past blogs. It's a struggle for me to articulate what prayer means to me; to actually have to articulate how I practice it would completely paralyze me, but Palmer's observation that in prayer for others he is drawn out of isolation and becomes in community with others is a pretty close reflection to how I view it, as well ... although it wouldn't be nearly as succinct or articulate coming from my lips. What this has to do with education is that he continuously touts the benefits of looking at knowledge not in the language of power and domination (one has a master in a particular field because one has successfully conquered it), but rather, one might look at knowledge as a web -- what we know is connected to others, other people, other objects, other ideas. When one puts as much effort into seeing the web as one does in "mastering" the topic, the world opens up in new ways. Palmer seems to be imploring educators to open up their minds and hearts to the others in the classroom not only for the student's well-being, but also for the sake of their own souls.

Another of Palmer's concepts revolves around truth. Truth, as he sees it, may not be "right." You can give an academically correct answer that rings hollow. It is not true. I think this is how a lot of confirmation kids must feel when they encounter a "my way or the highway" pastor. For them to give the correct answer in the eyes of the ordained means to lie to themselves -- one of the reasons my first stint at confirmation at the tender age of 12 was a colossal failure. In my heart of hearts, I said to myself "I'll be damned if I'm right for this guy." Looking back, even when I look at the kid I was -- I'm the one in the upper right in the old snapshot at the top of this post -- I still feel that way. I reject the notion some have that a kid grows out of obstinance; sometimes it's the adult who's way off track. I'm glad to know that I've managed to hold onto that truth after three decades. I hope I have the grace to hang onto that when I'm feeling insecure in front of students in a classroom. I'm damned if I don't let a kid speak a deeper truth than I can muster with all my high falutin' and expensive words.

Discernment

It appears my blog took a bit of a summer vacation. That's not to say nothing happened for the past couple of months, just that I haven't carved out the time to note it here. I'm pretty sure the important highlights will naturally crop up later on in other posts, so I'll spare you the boring catalog of what I did this summer and just get to what's currently on my mind.

I crossed another important milestone this week. I'm now what's known as a "Student in Discernment" with my denomination. Discernment is kind of a heavy word. Lots of connotations for people. Some have good associations. Some bad. I actually like this designation better than what my current state used to be referred to: "Student in Care of the Association." To me, that sounds like the association has a big bucket of care that they dump upon unsuspecting seminarians, nearly drowning them in hand-wringing worry in the process. I'd much rather be doing something active with my association, like discern my calling as a part of our shared community than to be fussed over. Connotations can flavor the activity. My two cents.

So, what did I do to mark this momentous event that is expected to eventually lead to ordained ministry? I got a tattoo. Yeah, I know. Some of you will go all Leviticus on me about this. I'm not about to launch into that whole can of worms today. That's your issue to grapple with, not mine. And, this isn't my first tattoo. About 12 or 13 years ago, the women in my family trooped to a now defunct tat shop in Newport, Minnesota for our first venture in marking our bodies. It was my mother's idea. My sister and I both thought it sounded like a reasonable thing to do, so we joined her in an early fall excursion.

Now as my mother approaches her 74th birthday, she's wanting to do another piece of body art, but my sister and I got out of the gate a little ahead of her this time. We selected the same image, different markings. We chose a dragonfly as the basic outline, although mine is more like a dragon-butter-fire-fly combo. Besides that I just think dragonflies are cool, there is a little bit of symbolism going on here.

I wanted to go with a firefly because it's an image I've used a couple of times in the past couple of years when trying to describe my faith journey and also my current path for discernment. Nothing has been crystal clear for me and if I try to look too far out, I make myself crazy. Yet, even in the darkest times, there's some faint light that's been leading me forward. Sometimes that light has about the same power as a firefly, but that's light enough. So, my invented insect has a glowing tail to remind me that there's always light, but it might not be obvious.

The butterfly is about the most stereotypical Christian symbol around, resurrection and all that jazz. I figure it's one that most folk can easily identify with and understand. But, here's the other thing about the butterfly: Its wings are an aeronautical wonder. They're super fragile, to the point that the slightest touch can crumble them. Yet, their wings are also strong enough to take them from the upper Midwest to as far south as Mexico. How is this possible? The wings have an amazing support structure that helps to distribute the stress of flying so that no single part of the wing is so taxed that it can break in flight. In theory, that's what my discernment peeps will be for me, a support system that will help me avoid crashing in mid-flight ... and that's what I hope I can help establish in whatever form my ministry moves to in the future. None of us alone can withstand the strain of living without the sometimes hidden support structure that holds us all together. Even introverts like me get that. But, a visible reminder doesn't hurt.

The dragonfly. What's up with the dragonfly? Besides being an exceptionally nifty insect, I like how it looks like it's zipping along, willy-nilly, with no particular purpose, yet, it's actually pulling off a zillion useful jobs for its ecosystem ... not the least of which is keeping down the skeeter population. So, yeah. All that churning that's going on...perhaps there is some useful purpose to it in the end. Who's to say?

So that's the reason for the image and the timing - I wanted to commemorate this milestone with something that will help remind me of some important stuff on the days that I'm just not feeling it: My connection with my family, my faith community and with God. The location? Well, it's just above my inner right ankle. What's the symbolism there? Sorry to disappoint. One very practical reason for its location is that as I get older, I'm pretty sure I'll still be able to cross my leg so that I can see it. No saying the same would hold true if it were in another location. Not everything has to be deep all the time. Heck, if we don't agonize over a story of God mooning Moses, a little permanent ink just adds more color to the party.