It's a mystery

Last spring while I was in the middle of dealing with that obnoxious and prolonged illness and had lots of time on my hands, a good friend sent me an article about a site that posts reports from "Mystery Worshipers" -- because I was bedridden and looking for diversions, I applied to be a Mystery Worshiper. I was "accepted" and sent a link to the "MW" site. Oh, that I would have had my stuff at hand when we went to that horrid service this summer (scroll down to "Thing-a-ma-Jewif you haven't read it and want the gory details).

So, I've gone to two different churches in the past several weeks. I haven't seen my reports posted yet (and maybe they won't see the light of day), but it does raise a bit of the ongoing debate about modern day Christianity that made people like my grandma nuts. Should worship really be a consumer-driven deal? How often we hear the phrase "church shopping" when people move to a new area. Long gone are the days when you either went to the closest church to your home (if you were a "C&E" Christian) or hunted down the congregation from your denomination.

Nowadays, churches are bombarded with tips and hints from their denominations on how to attract new members -- coffee shops on the church campus, evening worship, contemporary worship -- a seemingly endless way of slicing and dicing demographics and trying to create a worship experience that is meaningful to each audience. Of course, others argue that that much splintering off means too homogeneous an assembly. There's no opportunity to intermingle with the older / younger / traditional / contemporary folk if you never see them. I think my sermon on Samuel and Eli probably tips my hand on the value I place of at least the intergenerational aspect of worship. (I can email the sermon to anyone who is interested.)

So, isn't a mystery shop a little like "botique-ifying" how one chooses a congregation? Well, maybe, but here are some common threads I've found in my own church-shopping and mystery worshiping experiences that would be important no matter the denomination or belief set.

• When you gotta go -- If your bathrooms aren't CLEARLY marked, then do so. Seriously. You don't want to have to track down an usher/greeter just because you had too much coffee on the way in. You want someone to feel welcome, making it easy for them to stay is a good first step.
• Assume we know nothing of your traditions 'cause we don't. I don't care if you're going from one church within your denomination to another. There isn't really as much of a common thread as you think. I've been to probably a dozen ELCA churches and more than a handful of UCC and UMC churches over the years (not to mention a few Missouri Synod Lutheran churches). Sometimes you'll find more similarities between churches of different denominations than you do within those that are supposed to be cut from the same cloth. You know that little ditty you sing after the offering (doxology for the fancy types)? Yeah, just because you've sung it for 20 or 30 years doesn't mean EVERYONE has. Really. If it's important enough that you sing it, print it in the bulletin or at least announce where you can find it.
• So what time do you meet, anyway? I cannot even begin to tell you how many churches (including an embarrassing number of churches I've belonged to) don't list their worship times on their answering machines. If we were omnipotent, we wouldn't need to go to church. But, since we're mere humans, how 'bout telling us when you meet? Oh, and if you think the newby is going to feel comfortable enough to leave a message so that (gasp) the minister needs to call the visitor back with the time, I would like you to give me more than one instance (heck, I'll settle for one) instance where that has actually happened.
• Cut the chatter. If you want to catch up with another person in the church, save it for fellowship. I'm not kidding when I tell you how many times there has been full-out conversations going on during worship, including supper plans, beefs with the choir, vacation highlights, DETAILED information about health conditions -- both mystery worship experiences had one form or another of this. Yes, there are places where this is acceptable. They're called coffee shops.
• Precious Lord, you can take my hand. Everyone else, cool it. I know there's something to be said for a warm handshake or even a hug from time to time. But when I'm a stranger in your midst, I may not be nuts about hand-holding and song-singing. These activities should be optional. Don't make them feel like a requirement. It comes off as aggressive, not warm and friendly.
• Lost and found -- While I don't want you to hug me if I don't even know your name, the other extreme is letting me wander around, like it's my personal wilderness experience. If I've got the wrong hymnal in my hands (which shouldn't happen, if it's announced in advance), feel free to lend a hand. If I'm walking around aimlessly before or after worship, feel free to ask if I need something or am just looking around. You don't need to be pushy, but at least check in.

Finally, as I've said before. Thing-a-ma-Jew is not an appropriate phrase to use before, during or after worship. I'd go back and give the fella a piece of my mind when I'm back in the area again, but he didn't have the worship times on his answering machine. Maybe there is a method to that madness after all...