Thing-a-ma-jew? Really???

It's been yet another event-filled week, once again culminated by bizarre, homicidal vehicles on interstate highways. After our most recent brush with death, complete with failed brakes, flaming engines and merging semi-trucks in Scranton, Pennsylvania, Bob and I decided "what the hell?" we'd go to church on Sunday morning. While we weren't expecting any conversion experiences, a la The Blues Brothers, we were mildly surprised at how the service went...and it wasn't like this.




You could say we did see the light, or that it was an enlightening experience, but only in that it reinforced why it is that I'm still less than enamored with Christianity, even though I'm about 1/6 of the way through seminary with the ultimate goal of being ordained. I know I write entirely too many LONG posts, so I'll give you the truncated version and let you fill in the blanks.

A minister's "Don't list" of how to conduct Sunday service

• Don't meander in during the gathering time whistling an entirely different tune than the organist is playing...better still, don't whistle at all.
• Don't spend the first 10 minutes of what's supposed to be worship telling personal stories that are only loosely related, in that they all have to do with you.
• Don't humiliate your children in front of the congregation by airing your dirty laundry.
• Don't think that bullying the local police, breaking down a door, threatening a group of teenagers in the name of "rescuing" a child who is hanging out drinking a couple of beers is acceptable.
• Don't confuse patriotism with Christianity. God's got the whole world to pay attention to. What makes you think that God should play favorites, or if God does, that our country would be it?
• Don't act proud when you tell the congregation you "didn't come from monkeys" -- it's offensive to the monkeys that you try to associate yourself with them at all.
• Don't forget that the God that we worship is the one who originated from the Jews. By demeaning them, you spit in the face of the one you believe is your creator.
• Don't have at least 7 times more mentions of yourself than you do of God, or even of "The Kid" -- it's just plain tacky.
• Don't, for the love of God, DON'T ever, EVER use the phrase Thing-A-Ma-Jew. Ever.

These really shouldn't be too difficult to follow, especially the last one. Really.